• Julia Helton

How to wake up sore and achy and sad and defeated every day!


Waking up sore, achy, sad, and defeated takes practice. Unless you have a diagnosed disease, a doctor who ignores your pleas for a diagnosis, or an addiction problem this blog is for you! All others move along, you know this song well.


First things first - it's important that you set yourself up for failure. Have that extra glass of wine while watching Bridgerton, the one that gives you a headache. Absolutely forget to take your anxiety/depression/mood stabilizers for at least 24 hours. When you do finally crawl into bed go very late, so late that you wonder if you'll get any sleep at all. Make sure your alarm clock is set to an inhuman hour, maybe forgo the last walk for your dog so that they will wake you to go out even before your alarm blares? Don't forget to obsess over the emotional labor you need to expend tomorrow. Pass out fretting with your shoulders close to your ears.


Use time as your co-conspirator - if you're over 30 the good news is (and if you're very lucky) you could just sleep wrong. Yes, your time snuggled up in the good sheets could lead to the kind of neck pain you've only heard about. The kind that prevents yo from not only turning your head but sitting comfortably for the whole day! An added bonus is that if you sleep too long or not long enough your body will be wracked with pain because you didn't die in your sleep.


Don't let it stop there, get out of bed super fast let the blood rush render you blind for a few seconds, sway in your disorientation - double points for stepping on Legos on the way to pee.


Open the curtains in your room. Not only will this let the chill in from the shitty windows, it will allow you to see a partial view of the overcast day over your neighbor's much nicer house that is not just a metaphor for your life. Soak in the sadness that is settling into your very soul. Take this with you on your day. Someone has to keep it company.


Go make yourself a nice warm cup of tea or coffee. Notice that the assholes you live with didn't refill the Brita and they left a mess on the table of milk and cereal and is that mustard? At least they tried which is something you are becoming increasingly incapable of because it hurts to stand still. While you wait for the kettle to heat with straight tap water that your municipality has studied which contains dangerous levels of carcinogens, check your email, scroll through Twitter, listen as your kids complain about on line learning, then chuck it all and go back to bed.