• Julia Helton

I hope this awkward interaction finds you well

Awkward interactions are just going to happen but how do you handle it when you run into an ex? My best practices are the following:

You are a Victorian ghost that happens to inhabit a modern-day body. Stare at them unblinkingly from where you stand. Do not move. Slowly raise your pointed finger to them then let out the death scream of all the absolute bullshit they put you through. This should make them scatter like the cockroach you both know they are. I find this most effective in a public setting like the grocery store.

You have face-specific face blindness. Have you ever been to Disney where they have doors hidden in plain sight? Think of your ex’s face as if it were painted in “go away green.”

“Oh, I cannot see them. They do not exist. I cannot even hear them begging me to acknowledge their existence.” Turn about is fair play asshole.

Mean girl the fuck outta them. As soon as you see your ex, turn to your friend, whisper in their ear, laugh like you know a terrible and shameful secret while side-eyeing your ex. If they approach simply shush your companion with a “that’s them.” No one in the history of forever has forgotten what it is like to be mean girl’d. A slow death will ensue.

One must always be prepared for these situations. May I suggest keeping a few cards in your bag in case none of the above are suitable for the situation, like when you’re at their grandfather’s Covid funeral?

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