• Julia Helton

The Lost Boys movie is bonkers

Do you guys remember the 1987 movie The Lost Boys? It’s fucking bonkers. Yes, I'm talking about the Joel Schumacher directed triple movie within itself (I'm looking at you Stranger Things) soft gay porn movie, starring a bunch of dumb hot boys and Dianne Weist.


The story is about a newly divorced mom who brings her two teenage boys to this California coastal town to get back on her feet financially and emotionally. They move into the family home. Grandpa is there to help unload and provide comic relief. He is an avid taxidermist. He gives the woman he's trying to woo a stuffed ground hog. I think they’re trying to portray the family as hard on their luck since the house needs a coat of paint and a good scrub down on the inside. The camera pans to show some horses so maybe they have money? I can’t really, they don’t look like they have money let’s put it that way; but Grandpa owns horses, the acreage to house/exercise them, and two cherry vintage vehicles. You do the math.


It’s three movies in one situation: the teenagers are facing a metaphysical threat of “What am I? How do I fit in?” , the younger teens (featuring the two Coreys and a sidekick) are in a monster movie while the adults are in a new romance gone bad movie.


So Jason Patrick (older teen) meets the Lost Boys featuring Kiefer Southerland at a seaside carnival. They all have motor bikes. They bully him; they feed him maggots; then there’s this weird, there’s a whole sequence where they try to kill them a couple of different ways. Kiefer Sutherland offers Jason Patrick a bejeweled liter bottle of vampire blood. Jamie Gertz (always the gf never the lead) is over in the cave corner, which is decorated like a gold rush saloon, whimpering. As he’s handed the bottle she tries to wave him off but he smirks at her. JP immediately drinks! Like, dude just tried to kill you twice, fed you maggots, stole your girl and you just take the drink without question?



Of course, he doesn’t listen to her; he’s not doing this for her he’s doing this to impress the hot Lost Boys in this very performative masc seeks masc dl Grindr situation. And THEN when he drinks from the bottle Joel Schumaker, that pervy old fuck, positioned the camera and shot it like it was an early 80s gay porno. It looks like someone swallowed a big fat load.


There's another whole sequence were they try to show him his new powers by taunting him into jumping off a bridge. After that they head off to a bon fire to feed but JP just sulks on his bike. The flying is just KS standing on a box in a dark room while the camera moves around him. It's some hokey shit.



I almost forgot to mention the most fucking important part is it Diane Weise, who plays the mom, actually calls home to tell the JP that he needs to watch out for the younger one (played by a Corey, did I mention the two Coreys are in this?) because she’s going on a date. He sasses her, tells her no, then she has to beg him and ask permission?! WTF? I hate scripts written by men.


[I hope she got paid for this because this was some fluff. I mean this is a fun summer movie, it’s just really ridiculous. I very much hope that this movie still pays her phone bill or something.]


It’s three movies in one situation: the teenagers are facing a metaphysical threat of “What am I? How do I fit in?” , the younger teens (featuring the two Coreys and a sidekick) are in a monster movie while the adults are in a new romance gone bad movie.


The final battle scene is where the storylines meet. The three younger boys start taking out each of the vampires one by one kind of Rambo style; the older kids are fighting the urge to drink blood which will render them unredeemable, while mom is on a date with the head vampire. The ending is perfect 80s. It’s next so if you don't want spoilers to a 34-year-old movie oops, lol.




It’s on HBO if you need a fun midweek popcorn movie.







It’s on HBO if you need a fun midweek popcorn movie.



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